April Fools: Palm OS 6 Cancelled

by Mike Cane, Exclusive to Palm Infocenter

In a move that surprised no one except Bill Gates and his cult of millionaires at Microsoft, Eric Benhamou, CEO of Palm, Inc. announced today that PalmSource was canceling development of its next-generation operating system, informally known as "Palm OS 6."

"It's true," Benhamou said. "I had a look at the work in progress and took an axe to it. Actually, it wasn't an axe. It was more like a mallet. Or maybe it was a mace." Mr. Benhamou stressed that the mace in question was unrelated to Chief Competitive Officer Michael Mace, although after extinguishing the OS-in-development, Benhamou also saw fit to discharge Michael Mace.

"I couldn't stand the guy," Benhamou said. "He was such a kvetch! He kept going around with this crazy To Do list of things he wanted in the operating system. I mean, who needs things like fonts? Or even protected memory. He wanted to protect memory. I've never paid for protection in my life! The guy gave me tsuris!"

Asked to comment, Mace said from an undisclosed location, "Listen. I fear for my life. That guy is crazy. Do you know what we called him around the office? Eric the Red. That should tell you something."

What exactly it was meant to convey, PIC was unable to ascertain as the phone line to Mace suddenly went dead.

Mace's exit from Palm took place not long after the departure of Steve Sakoman, formerly tasked with leading the development of the now-dead next-gen OS.

"Goddammit," Sakoman yelled at PIC. "I told you guys to never ask me why I really left! I still have a wife, and we want to have kids. Keep this up and I'll no longer have the equipment required to create kids! And I'm not talking about USB or Firewire, either! Did you know Benhamou was known as Eric the Red around the office? That should tell you something."

What exactly it was meant to convey, PIC was unable to ascertain as the phone line to Sakoman suddenly went dead.

Reached for comment on the latest development at his original creation, Palm progenitor and forlorn communicator-pusher Jeff Hawkins said, "You want me to tell you about Eric the Red? Are you nuts?"

"Leave Jeff alone," Donna Dubinsky said after she apparently pulled the phone away from Hawkins. "He doesn't have to talk to you any more. We paid you good money for those dirty pictures. Now leave him alone. He's still in therapy, damn you!"

Reached for comment, Hawkins's therapist said, "It's true. I see him twice a week. Are you sure you gave him all the pictures?"

Hawkins' therapist never received an answer to her question because the phone line suddenly went dead.

Meanwhile, in Japan, Palm licensee Sony was pondering its next step. "It is too early to tell," stated Maneki Neko, Sony spokesperson. "I just started this job yesterday and if I say the wrong thing, I won't have it tomorrow. You know how these Japanese are."

At Microsoft headquarters, anonymous multiple sources told PIC that Bill Gates, upon hearing the news, could not contain his joy. "I knew this day would come," he is reported as saying.

Additional sources inside Microsoft described the reaction of Steve Ballmer as nothing short of religious. "Allah be praised!" he is reported as saying. Or that could have been, "Allerby raised!" as he was at the time negotiating the finer points of an impromptu poker game.

Reached for comment on this very story, PIC website publisher Ryan Kairer said, "Don't you believe everything you read. Especially on April first."

(c) Copyright Mike Cane 2003 All Rights Reserved